Holding Space

With Shelly Vaughn

This Time Last Year

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Fair warning- today begins the “this time last year…” posts. I’m sure there will be several of them. And although they may get boring to hear about, I think it will help me move forward from this. Acknowledge the past events, reflect on them, and learn from them.

The thing about 12/29 was it was the last day of not knowing what was about to happen. I hadn’t felt the lump yet. I was unaware of the tornado that was developing in the distance. When I look at Thanksgiving and Christmas photos from last year, I try very hard to remind myself that I think it was probably good that this all started just after the holidays. Christmas “book ended” my experience, so I was able to enjoy it last year (unaware of what was happening) and this year (cancer-free). I try extremely hard not to, but when I look at time hop photos of all the events through the holidays last year, I can’t help but feel bitter about it. All I see is a host for this disease…. a body that was carrying around these cells that were rapidly growing and totally unaware of it. I talked to my friend about it a few weeks ago and she helped me recognize it as a feeling of betrayal- that something was wrong with my body and I had no idea. It was so sneaky… and spreading quickly…. and that makes me mad. I’m assuming there will be a point in life that my timeline will not just revolve around pre-diagnosis/post-diagnosis. But I’m not there yet. It makes me want to reiterate again… please do a self exam now. I know it feels like you just did one. Do it again. And then again every time it crosses your mind. Because I don’t want any of my friends to be unaware that it’s growing inside of them as well.

And because I don’t want to be a total “Debbie Downer”, I’ll finish the post with the good news. (I’m really in a good mood, but that’s definitely not coming through as I read what I wrote so far). We had an incredible Christmas. It was sweet and special and extremely memorable. I’m looking forward to sharing pics and telling some details about it, but that’s another long post that deserves it’s own space. I’ll also share the update on medical follow-ups that have happened in the last week. Not much new to report… everything is good. I just know some of you like the medical reports so I will elaborate on them sometime this weekend.

Stay warm, friends! Sending love and hoping you’ve had a wonderful week!

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