Holding Space

With Shelly Vaughn


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Four Weeks Later…

It’s been 4 weeks since surgery. To the rest of you, it probably feels like 4 weeks. For me, it feels like maybe one or two- mostly because those first couple weeks were such a fog.

Time is confusing. I often don’t know what day it is. I sleep- a LOT! I do it because I know I’m supposed to rest so my body can heal. But since I had surgery on all sides of my body there is no position that is comfortable and sleep is very restless.

A typical day has involved Rob getting the girls up and ready for school. I get out of bed just long enough to kiss Liana goodbye and wave to her through the window as her bus passes the house. After that I go back to bed for a while. The rest of the day consists of small tasks that now feel enormous, mixed with laying on the couch and dozing in and out of sleep.

Just appreciate your body when it works well. Next time you can bend over to pick up your kid’s dirty sock off the floor, be glad you can bend without pain. When you can lay on your back and fall asleep easily, be thankful that you feel comfortable enough to sleep. When you can pull the car door closed from the inside no matter how wide open it is… appreciate that reach because it is tough when you don’t have half of your back muscles.

Physically, everything continues to heal just as expected. My incisions are all healed well. I happened to have a follow-up with my oncologist today and she said she was very impressed with how good everything looks. I also started physical therapy again today. My PT was also very impressed. When I look in the mirror, I see a patchwork body like Frankenstein… so it feels good to have professionals (who have seen many surgeries) say that things look good.

Since I’m healing well, they’ve started to fill my expanders. They just add a small amount of saline into the expanders every week to slowly stretch out the skin. I’ll go again tomorrow for a little more. We’ll just continue doing that a little bit every week or two for a while… so that they slowly expand and aren’t painful.

The girls are now done with school for winter break so it’ll be nice to spend time with them. It’ll be low-key fun with puzzles and games, but that quality time is super sweet so I’m looking forward to it. Everyone enjoy getting ready for the holidays. No matter how busy things get, remember that there is always so much to be thankful for this season.


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Two weeks in…

I realize it’s been a while since I updated everyone. So first, let me apologize if texts or messages didn’t make sense in the last 2 weeks. I was on a lot of medication and slept through a lot of conversations. Also, if I gave you any advice, I don’t think you should follow it. I really don’t know what I was talking about it.

The surgery itself was “textbook” as the surgeon said. Everything went as planned. My incisions are healing well and I’m making progress. My doctor told me ahead of time that this was the most painful kind of reconstruction and she was definitely not exaggerating. I’ve had 2 natural childbirths and this pain was right up there with them… but no beautiful babies to snuggle with at the end.

I was supposed to be in the hospital for 4 days but ended up staying one more day until I could get some of the pain controlled. We had thanksgiving at Cleveland Clinic… always keeping things interesting with the Caldwells.

I had 6 drain tubes in my body- 3 on each side, which help drain the fluid out of of your body instead of it building up and swelling where it shouldn’t. After your body doesn’t drain as much, they can remove the tubes. As of Thursday, I had 5 of the 6 removed and they changed my meds a bit. So I’m a little more coherent and not in as much pain. Tomorrow I should get the last one out and that should feel a lot better.

It’s hard to get comfortable. I can’t lay back or it hurts the incisions that pretty much go across my entire back. To look at my incisions and surgery is really fascinating. I don’t have 2 big back muscles now. But I do have skin and my muscle from my back now where my new breasts will be. And it’s amazing to me that people can do this.

The plan will be for my last drain to come out tomorrow and let my incisions heal a little more. Then they’ll start adding the saline into the expanders that are in there.

I have to say a huge shout out to my family who came out to help so much the the girls and the house. And a a couple of very close friends who helped keep me showered and help with wound care. I’ve had several friends stop over for lunch and it’s such a pick-me-up. And thanks to everyone who has brought us dinner so far.

If you’re looking for something to do, ask Rob what he could use help with. He’s taking care of both of our kids and me. He gets my medicine ready everyday and sets my alarm so I don’t forget it. He checks in on me during lunch breaks. He’s putting up Christmas decorations. When you marry someone, you imagine buying a house together and having children. You imagine doing all the beautiful fun things in life. But you don’t imagine them counting out your pain pills and washing your hair because you can’t lift your hand above your head. I am lucky to be this loved. Thank you.


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Because He Lives…

Tomorrow is surgery day. We go in early and surgery is scheduled for 10:30. Should take about 4 hours. Please pray for this to go well and for my healing afterwards. I’ll be having a bilateral mastectomy (without reconstruction at this time- that will happen next year after I’m healed from radiation.) Also, pray for Rob as he takes care of me over these next few weeks. And, of course, for Olivia and Liana as they have to make another adjustment in their lives because of my health. They are with friends tonight (thanks, Amber Pierce Norman) and will go to a birthday party tomorrow afternoon, so they should be well preoccupied. Thanks to everyone who called or texted today as well. I’ve been very nervous.

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