Holding Space

With Shelly Vaughn


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It’s October, so get out your pink. I’ve been so hesitant to embrace the pink in the past- I think because I feel guilty that other people don’t get a whole month of recognizing their challenges in life. And I was so determined to not let my experience define me. But the further away I get from the shock and fear of what I went through, the more I can see the value in acknowledging the importance of the challenges and celebrating my cancer-free life.

Today was “wear pink” day at work. I almost didn’t wear my shirt because it said “Survivor” on my back. So I wore my work backpack for a lot of the morning to conceal it. Then at lunchtime, we gathered for a picture for all the employees who wore pink to work. And there, one of my closest survivor friends, Melissa Samulak greeted me with the best hug I’ve had in a while.

There are a lot of really crummy things about 2017. But there are at least as many, if not more, wonderful things. One of them was meeting this woman who would fight her own battle shortly after me. I still cannot clearly explain what it feels like to go through cancer treatment while working at a very public place. But the comradery and closeness of walking alongside someone whose experience is similar is something very special. After catching up with her and seeing her beautiful smile, I was reminded that being a survivor isn’t something that should be covered up by a backpack.

Thanks to everyone who wore pink today at work. And to everyone wearing pink at their own workplaces this month.

I’ve been a little absent from posting for a while. Trying to be online a lot less and not over-thinking everything in life. But I do have some good things to share, and I think this month is a good time to restart the blogging. Stay tuned…


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Get busy living, or get busy dying…

28 days= surgery recovery.
Day 29= run a 7K. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes, that’s a face palm emoji because my legs are asking me right now WHY in the world I did this. The timing wasn’t my choice, obviously, but I couldn’t miss the coolest run of the year.

The Shawshank Hustle starts and ends at the Ohio State Reformatory, where “Shawshank Redemption” was filmed. This year, for year 5 of the race, they had THE coolest medals- a bible that actually opens up with a removable rock hammer inside! I couldn’t pass up the chance to earn that! Also, everyone was randomly assigned a race shirt that was either a guard or an inmate. 😆

Anyway, the race went well and was a lot of fun. We got to tour the reformatory afterwards, too. Melanie Williams, it’s always fun to hang on race days with you. Thanks to Lisa Gonidakis and Jessica Eckhart for helping with the girls so we could do our thing.

This race happened the day after I was “ok” to return to normal activities. In my mind, it commemorates moving forward from here on. I know I always read too much into everything. But important milestones should be marked with important events- like being chased by a warden out of a prison from one of the best movies ever! (I beat the warden, by the way! 😆


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Vacation

Yellowstone Trip 2019

I’m writing this from the hotel room in Salt Lake City- our last night of a 10-day vacation to Yellowstone and The Grand Tetons. With some amazing planning by Rob, this has been the trip of a lifetime for sure.

We saw every bit of wildlife imaginable including 9 moose yesterday, 10 bears, coyotes, elk, bison, eagles, fox, pronghorn, owls, and even a wolf eating a baby bison (which had died of natural causes). The scenery and unique geological features here are outstanding- leaving us in awe of the Creator behind such design.

Rob and I came here before we had children, but it was especially nice to see the wonder through the girls’ eyes this time. We knew we wanted to bring them here when they got old enough because it’s so gorgeous with so many unique things to see. They made me proud with their hiking skills (though not so much if you actually told them they were “hiking”) and with their excitement for wildlife. But 10 days without a break meant a lot of fighting in the car, too. Seriously though- you can only tell someone is looking at you if you are also looking at them. How is this still an argument!?!

All in all, it’s been an amazing week. I wonder what the girls will remember and tell their children about someday. The cold rafting trip down the snake river? “Moosefest 2019” (our nickname for when we saw all the moose in one evening)? The wagon ride to a mountain cookout?
Digging for fossils? Earning their Junior Ranger badges in the Tetons? Probably the free cookie at the hotel room tonight. Whatever the case, I hope the trip has sparked an interest in them that will never fade. I know it never will for me.


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Taking Back July 26th

As my friend put it: Today I’m taking back July 26th.

This was the day of my surgery last year when I got rid of cancer but had to sacrifice a big part of my femininity. So I have mixed feelings about last year. But not this one.
Today was great.

I had a consult with a different plastic surgeon who I LOVED! She’s a female and I felt so comfortable with her. For as hard as reconstruction will be, I’m confident in working with her through it all. (It won’t be for several more months… I’ll keep you posted.)

To top off the night, in order to really take back today and remember it positively, I got a new tattoo! The phrase is from the poem I remember my dad reading to us when we were young. And it’s in my mom’s handwriting.  ❤️ I’ve got “miles to go” on these feet- with cancer behind me and God out in front.


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Happy Mothers Day

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Pink… so much pink. I’m not opposed to the color in a general sense. But when I had breast cancer I developed a particular distaste for it. Everything had a pink ribbon on it!

Why did some people embrace this so (seemingly) easily? Why do some women get the diagnosis and immediately wear all of the pink ribbon gear they can get their hands on? Why did I cringe inside when I saw it? How could some women get pink ribbon tattoos and I could barely even wear a plain pink shirt without feeling a little sting? I think it has something to do with the extent that people identify with (and embrace) what they are going through. Clearly, I didn’t do either of those much at the time.

Today is Mother’s Day 2018. A day that I get to really celebrate my role in life as mommy to the two best girls I know. I was able to smile and appreciate it with a sense of joy that’s deeper than other days- especially as I think back to how I felt (physically) on this day last year during chemo. Rob planned a perfect day today and I loved it. The girls still fought in the car, I overdid it on our trampoline, and I didn’t get any of the laundry done that I had planned on. But “perfect” doesn’t mean that things don’t go wrong… I think it just means that things turn out ok.

You know how I know things are turning out ok?… Today I intentionally and proudly wore pink.  🙂


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Family Visit

This weekend was filled with visitors and smiles. My parents, Greg, and Ali came for the weekend to spend some time out here. We finally celebrated Easter with an egg hunt and scavenger hunt from my mom. We also rode our bikes to go geocaching at the local park. Olivia had a pretty good wipeout on her bike and has some battle wounds to prove it. But she has been super tough and will be fine when her scrapes heal. If you see her limping around for a bit, you’ll know why.

Part of our Saturday afternoon also included a visit from my Aunt Dolly Kelly, cousin Diana Raub, and her two incredibly sweet children. Ben is her oldest (almost 4) and is my new BFF. Katie is a 1 year old climber with a smile as gorgeous as her momma’s. Back on my birthday, Aunt Dolly sent me a card saying she had something to give me in person when she could come out for a visit. So she made the trek out here to deliver- complete with homemade brownies and apple pie to fill our bellies.

I cannot say enough how much love and support I have felt from my family and how much her gift means to me. It’s a homemade bookmark, given with the sentiment “for when you write your book.” Thank you for the encouragement, Aunt Dolly… I needed it.

As she said with her own handmade creation- there are things she wished were different, parts that she doesn’t like, mistakes that only she notices. But isn’t that so true about everything in life? In every circumstance, there’s a point with where you just have to accept where things are and realize that there’s beauty in the imperfections. I’m working on that…

 


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1st Neighbor

Sunday’s lesson at church was part of a series about relationships and marriage. We were reminded that with our spouses we need to love unconditionally… one way… without compromise and without expectations in return. When both people do this, it can be a beautiful relationship that grows in the image of God.

Mark 12: 30-31 says “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

I love that David A. Black encouraged us to make our spouse our “1st neighbor”.

This served as a poignant reminder of what a blessing it has been (and I don’t use that term lightly) to be the wife of Rob Vaughn. Thank you for being an incredible man of faith who has demonstrated this kind of unconditional love so vividly in the last year. I’m lucky to be your “1st neighbor”- a place in life I didn’t realize was going to be so special back when I was 15 and fell in love with you (with the long hair, rock and roll T-shirts, and wallet chain).

Tonight, he was recognized by his colleagues with a “Star Award” through the school district. Turns out, I’m not the only one who sees what a great man he is.  😉
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