Holding Space

With Shelly Vaughn

Heavy Heart

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Here’s hoping this is the start of a better week than last week, which ended up being a mix of several different things weighing on my mind and heart.

The pastor from my church growing up passed away. He was always a guy to look up to, even though we didn’t go to church regularly. In discussions about him this week, two descriptions really stand out to me: “It always felt good to be around him.” and “His heart had room for so many people”. What a great legacy to leave on this side of heaven, isn’t it?

My aunt is sick and in the hospital with an infection. I’m hopeful she’ll be fine soon, but it’s another concern on my mind.

An acquaintance I’ve met who is still fighting her metastasized breast cancer has had a really rough few weeks. I feel for her so much. Please pray that the treatments she’s seeking out of state will be the perfect mix of what she needs to fight that awful disease.

I learned that my friend’s son-in-law had passed away right before Christmas after his own fight with cancer. We had been praying for him and I was SO hoping he would be around to see his small children grow at least a few more years.

It was also Allie’s birthday last week which always reminds me how much I miss her (and still feel some “survivor guilt”) when I think about her.

As for me, my surgery recovery is going well. I’m not on pain medicine and actually don’t feel much pain from the surgery anymore. But I do feel uncomfortable all of the time. The discomfort really affects my sleeping because I am constantly readjusting my position in the bed or recliner. I’ve had pillows situated in every position imaginable… and then some. 🙄 I take a muscle relaxer, ibuprofen, and melatonin before bed. Nothing seems to be the magic I need. And there is no remedy for post menopausal night sweats (though I have figured out the best combination for “conversion pjs” now. It’s a mix of all things adjustable and layered.)

Side bar- You know the song “Blessings” by Laura Story… “What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?” I lay in bed and think- I know He’s near… I don’t need to reach a thousand. 😕

Anyway, in addition to surgery recovery, I’ve had a cough for a couple of weeks and was being patient to let it “run its course.” But on Wed and Thurs I started wheezing and Friday I was short of breath. My primary dr. couldn’t get me in until this Tuesday and I knew I needed something before then, so I went to Med Express. That dr said that I needed to go to the ER so they could do chest xrays. (Believe it or not, that was my first time to either of those places.)

In the end, I was diagnosed with bronchitis. Which is a source of frustration and the cough is another hit to my chances of getting a good night’s sleep. But I’ll take that diagnosis over my worst fear any day. Tomorrow I’ll share more on why that dr appt was so emotional because I think this post is probably already too long.

I didn’t even realize how heavy my heart was with the combination of all this stuff until later in the evening when Rob said a package came in the mail for me. A box from Shutterfly? I hadn’t ordered anything from Shutterfly. And addressed to Shelly Caldwell (my maiden name). How curious. I opened it to find a puzzle of a collage of family pictures, including a picture of my Grandma and quote from a song she always sang. I opened the gift, which in turn opened the flood gates.

It was sweet and perfectly timed- a reminder of good times from our summer family reunion in June. Of how lucky I am to have the supportive family that I do and to watch the next generation of cousins getting to know each other and make their own catalog of memories. Thanks, Jenn Javor-Hopwood❤️

As I was turning the box around all directions to figure out who sent the package, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo on my wrist. It did it’s job (as it frequently does) to remind me to “be still”. To stop worrying so much about the future. To be present in the “now” and thankful for all that is going right for me now. Thankful that it’s just bronchitis. Thankful that I have such supportive family members. Thankful that God’s timing is perfect for what I need. Thankful I knew that pastor who introduced me to God as a child and truly had “a heart for so many people.” And that God is who I need to trust when things feel so heavy.

This is my last week of medical leave from surgery. So please pray that the bronchitis goes away quickly so I can get some more normal sleep/rest before going back to work. And pray for my aunt and friend to be healed. And then maybe take a moment to see how God may have worked in your life this past week. It might be more subtle, but if you find it I bet it’s beautiful.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”


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