Holding Space

With Shelly Vaughn

January 28 Update

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Originally Posted on 1.28.17

Hi everyone. Thank you all for the prayers during the week and especially yesterday. The amount of relief I felt when I heard the bones and other organs were clear is unexplainable. I had some moments of feeling “almost normal” last night. I had a wonderful lunch out with Trisha and a friend, and visits from other friends in the evening. So now I know a little more about what my walk through this will look like. Monday I will have my port placed, do a chemo class, and they want to biopsy one of my lymph nodes. After that, I assume I’ll know my treatment schedule.

Everyone asks how I am…. I’m ok. Not great but not depressed. Sometimes very anxious and sometimes a little more relaxed and trusting that this all has a purpose beyond me. It seriously depends on what minute you ask me during the day. Last week, I was mostly just consumed with worry that it had spread. My parents were here to spend some time which was great (with the exception of the Steeler loss) Since yesterday afternoon, I notice a different feeling that brings me to tears at times. The best I can describe it is that I’m grieving the loss of my healthy body. I’m planning (physically and emotionally) to not feel well. I’ve always been physically active and healthy and never any problems. It makes me sad to think many weekends will be spent laying on the couch. And weekdays I may barely have energy to get through the day. Of course, everyone responds differently and maybe it won’t bring me down too much. I already have a friend lined up to hold me accountable to keep moving… even if its just short walks around the block. It’s a strange feeling to plan for this… and I suddenly want to get everything checked off my to-do list. But I also want to just enjoy time with my family. It’s a tough balance on a regular day, let alone when you have this kind of issue on top of everything.
My girls are doing ok. We share information with them on their level and they seem to be dealing with it well. Rob… I always knew I married the best guy and, man has he shown it this week. He works hard, comes to my appointments, and does everything around the house just so I’m not stressed out about it. He/we will be calling on friends to help with the girls when I’m not feeling well. We have had so many offers to help and we will be taking you all up on it when the time comes. Please pray for him this weekend (since nothing new is happening with me anyway)- I know it’s hard for him to think of me going through this and to see me sad when I have my breakdowns.
I fully expect to recover from this and one day look back on what an experience it was. But standing at the beginning of this road, knowing the challenge ahead, is very overwhelming.

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”

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